My life as a childless stepmom started nearly 13 years ago. It is a life that has been full of unexpected joys and trials. Who could have warned me that what I was getting myself into was something greater than I couldn't ever imagined? I was in love. I was in love with my now husband. I was in love with the idea of marrying an already made family. I was in love with the idea of waking up to a house full of people - a house filled with love. I was in love with the idea of creating new memories as a family and saying goodbye to the old memories of the single life that I once knew.
I married a man that shared my values - a man that loved me and was willing to commit to be by my side "until death do we part". We agreed that "divorce was not an option" and included this as part of our vows. I often say, "I married 3 teenagers" when I married my husband (Tim). They stood up for us at our wedding. I vowed to "love them as my own." Sierra was the oldest (15 years old), Derek was in the middle (13 years old), and Tyler was the youngest (just turned 11 years old). I really thought my dreams had been fulfilled.
Within months of our marriage, "our" ex-wife (Sue) began negotiating for a 50/50 custody agreement. We had our concerns due to her lifestyle. We agreed to put the children's best interest first in all of our decisions and we knew that a healthy relationship with their birth mother would serve them well. We questioned our decision to allow for a trial period of "one week here, one week there", but we moved forward in faith with the understanding that if it didn't serve our children's best interest, we would renegotiate the agreement. Boy, if we knew then what we knew now!!
We tried this trial period for about 6 months. It didn't take us long to learn that it wasn't going to work. Sue quit her job (losing the court mandated insurance coverage for the children) and began commuting 60 miles each way to her new job. She was gone for a minimum of 12 hours/day and our children began calling us whenever they had a need (i.e. signatures for field trips, cookies for after-school programs, soda and crackers for an upset stomach, etc.). The children's best interests were not being served. Tim and I discussed some possible solutions, one of which included more weekend time with their Sue, when she was actually available to spend more time with the children. When we invited her over to our home for milkshakes and conversation, she brought her live-in lover (the one she was unfaithful with when she filed for divorce from Tim and went on to have a child with while still married to Tim). She would not participate in a discussion of a new custody arrangement. (She had become dependent on the child support payments to pay the mortgage on the famiy home that she got in the divorce settlement and went on to lose in bankruptcy.) We were back in Court within weeks.
This was the beginning of the end. We began seeing one another as enemies rather than co-parents working together to serve the best interest of the children that we shared. It's been 13 years of conflict. That's just the beginning....
How are things with you and your stepchildren now? My stepson was 11 when my hubby and I began dating in 2004 and is now 25. My stepson married the mother of his now 3 year-old daughter (his wife is 16 years older than him with 3 teenagers from her first marriage). His wife is a couple years older than me and a couple years younger than my hubby (hubby is 8 years older than me and 18 when his son was born). For the first 9 months we were dating all of us lived in MI but then hubby's ex moved with my stepson to TX and hubby and I moved to TN. A few years later hubby and I moved to VA (I'm now active duty Navy) and now my stepson and hubby's ex-wife are also in VA. Over the years when my stepson was growing up we'd saw him for Christmas break of '05, the entire month of July '06, May '07-May '08, didn't see him for 3 years (long story), and then he asked if he could live with us right before he turned 19 and has lived within 15 minutes of us since then. Right now what I'm struggling with is trying to find my role now that my stepson is married. The last couple of years I haven't gotten a text, phone call, or card for mother's day and I think it's because of his wife. I know she doesn't view me as a mother. The year she had their daughter I texted her "happy mother's day" and all she responded with was "thanks." I expected her to follow that with "you too". I mean, I know she'll never see me in that light but at least she could acknowledge me as her husband's stepmom, right? I told my stepson last year I was a little hurt and it only takes a few minutes to send a text but no change. When their daughter was first born they decided they'd refer to me as Nana and after a couple years his wife started referring to me as Jen to their daughter. I said something and she went back to referring to me as Nana again. Ironically, because my stepson is an only child and we have no family in the area, we're able to attend family get-togethers at my stepson's with my hubby's ex-wife and her new husband and get along ok with them. If only I could figure out my relationship with my stepson's wife . . .
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